Thursday, April 8, 2010

Big Promotion

I gave my two weeks' notice on Friday because I interviewed and accepted the following position 4 months ago:


Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma

Job Description

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.


The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility for Advancement and Promotion

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience

Unfortunately, none required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages and Compensation

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thingabout this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Also because I was tired of getting these:

I will miss my friends at Progressive, but my new promotion offers much bigger rewards (albeit much greater challenges). It's too hard to do both jobs well.

Plus, the compensation is much bigger at my newest position as "Mom":

After cleaning out my desk, Liam and I went to the beach with our "LA Mommy Club", consisting of Bri, Julie, and Karyna (and their babies).

Liam wasn't too sure about the cold ocean waves, but he did seem to like the wet sand.

Our day in LA left him pooped. When I got home, He looked like this:
We had a great weekend listening to conference and spending an afternoon with Dave and Mary Lou and family (even though Liam slept through nearly every session of conference)

It's hard to believe my little baby is already 4 months old! I know everyone says this, but he is really growing so fast for such a little guy. He is now a shade over 13 lbs. and 24.5 inches long.
Pretty soon he won't even fit in these cute pjs that he was once drowning in.

We'll miss these puppy feet jammies.


John Kemp said...

Haha I have to use this site for my English 2010 class. Nice baby. See you next(?) week!

Julie said...

Ohhhh I love this post! Thank you April! A rough night left THIS mommy tired and cranky, and this was just what I needed. Oddly enough all that rotten stuff you listed reminded me of why I love being a mom so much.

Hope you guys had a great Easter!

Karina said...

I think we may have given those cute jammies to him! How fun to see him in them. What a cutie!